The Fellowship of the no longer existent Ring
by Swimmingly Yours
Summary: Chapter 6 up! AU. When Frodo manages to lose the Ring while the Fellowship passed through the snow, what will happen? Will Boromir have a mental breakdown? Will Gandalf finally turn evil? Will Merry die of being ignored all the time?
1. Of howling, mettings and trees in snow

A/N: well, everyone, nice to see you all, and this is a new story of mine, inspired when I was watching FotR again last night/this morning. You'll notice that for once Legolas is not a hairdresser type in my stories (well, not as much as usual anyway), but someone who is completely unnecessary :P. even my mum said that he was too feminine! Go Aragorn!

If there are weird character things on this story, please go to View on your toolbar, click encoding and select 'auto-select'. I'm trying to get this problem fixed, I swear!

*I don't own the characters. I own the depressing story I put them in.* 

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The Fellowship of the no longer existent Ring _Chapter one: Of chaos, howling and trees from dreams_

"You WHAT?!" Boromir's shout was loud enough to have been heard all the way back in the Shire, Frodo thought, as his lower lip began to tremble.

"I didn't _mean_ to lose the Ring, it just… got lost, that's all."

Boromir began pacing furiously, his sword banging against his leg with every step. "Fools," he muttered under his breath, "Stupid, blundering -"

"There is only one solution," spoke up Aragorn, "We must retrace our steps to retrieve the Ring from where it has fallen."

The other members of the Fellowship looked at the Ranger, impressed by this smart plan. Everyone thought it was a great idea.

"That's a great idea!" remarked Legolas.

"And that's what I've been _trying_ to say for the last hour and a half we've been sitting here!" Merry cried, exasperated, "And you were all saying, 'shut up, stupid hobbit, we're trying to think.'"

Everyone else ignored him. And began picking themselves up from the snow. Suddenly, there was a great big avalanche (caused by Saruman, of course) that fell directly in the path that they had to take to get the ring.

"And if you'd have listened to me than, we would've gotten the Ring already," muttered Merry.

The Fellowship started despairingly at the mountain of snow that now stood between them and the One Ring.

Boromir let out a howl of anguish as Pippin began to 'explore' this new snow, seeing if it could make good snowballs. 

Gandalf sat down hard, his head in his hands, as he remembered what he had said to Elrond in Rivendell, that he wished the Ring had never come to Frodo. _Or to any hobbit, for that matter_, he thought now. When he said that hobbits were remarkable folk he actually meant that could be entered as the stupidest, fattest group of creatures in Middle Earth.

"Gandalf, are you alright?" asked a concerned Pippin, his face covered in snow. Gandalf realised that he had been talking out loud and smiled at the young hobbit.

"Yes, yes, master Pippin," he said amicably while trying to think of a way to get him buried in the snow before they move on.

Pippin, sighed, relieved. "It's just that everyone's so upset and angry and everything, and if I hadn't taken the Ring from Frodo and -" suddenly he realised what he had just said and clapped his hands over his mouth. Pippin waited for Gadalf to get angry at him. But the wizard's yell of 'Peregrin Took!' never came and Pippin saw that he had fallen asleep while listening to him.

He quietly stepped away from the sleeping figure, inwardly admiring how one could sleep with Boromir howling in the background. He hadn't want to take the Ring away, just to _look_ at it for awhile, but stupid Legolas just _had_ to come and teach him how to climb a tree without mussing up his hair, and well… the Ring had vanished after that. 

Wait a minute - Legolas was teaching him how to climb a tree? A _tree_? What was a tree doing in the middle of the snow? Pippin shrugged, and thought that the whole episode with climbing the tree was all just a dream. Then he stopped, and a slow smile spread over his face. If it was a dream… then he wasn't responsible for losing the Ring! He did not commit the heinous crime after all! Hooray!

Meanwhile, Gimli, of all people, was trying to be optimistic. "Well, at least it's hard to find now, it's probably buried deep in the snow!" he joked to Legolas and Aragorn, though he knew that the Ringwraiths could find the Ring even then.

"But the Ringwraiths would be able to find it!" protested Legolas unnecessarily. 

"There must be some other way," said Aragorn, "We must get the Ring. My friends, if we do not then Sauron would rise and Middle Earth would fall! We must not let that happen! We have to fight, trick and kill our way to the Ring, no matter what!" he accentuated his speech by standing up and drawing his sword.

Frodo hiccoughed miserably near him, with Sam patting his head. "Yes, you tell them, Strider," Frodo encouraged, "you'll be the best King ever."

And Aragorn decided there and then that they needed a meeting to work out what they were to do. It took a long time to convince everyone that hope was not lost, a longer time to calm Boromir down and stop him yelling, and an even longer time to wake Gandalf up. Finally, though, they were all ready to discuss.

Everyone, that is, except for Merry. The poor little hobbit watched as the rest forgot about him and 'forgot' to tell him about the meeting. He made up his mind to show them that Meriadoc Brandybuck _could_ be useful, more useful, in fact, than the rest of them put together. So he picked up his pack, and while no-one noticed him, he slipped away from the rest of the Fellowship, off to find the Ring himself.

And so was the breaking of the Fellowship.

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As so is the end of chapter one? Like it? No? well, I'm going to continue anyway. Just be sure to review…


	2. Of the departure of two more Fellowship ...

Here¡¯s chapter two already cos I¡¯m a nice person. I hope you like it and thanks to all the people who reviewed. Yay! There has been no flames! 

If there are weird character things on this story, please go to View on your toolbar, click _encoding_ and select _auto-select _(it it¡¯s already selected then unselect it and select it again.). I¡¯m trying to get this problem fixed, I swear!

*I don¡¯t own the characters. I own the depressing story I put them in.*

_____________________________________ Chapter two: Of the departure of two more Fellowship members 

¡°Argh!!!¡± screamed Legolas just as he sat down to the meeting, ¡°They¡¯re attacking!!!¡±

One side of his face was covered in snow - Pippin had been testing out the new snow, and was quite satisfied with it.

¡°Fool of a Took!¡± cried Gandalf, cuffing Pippin on the head none too gently. And he meant what he said too - Pippin, after all, WAS a fool.

¡°Oh, leave him alone,¡± interjected Aragorn, settling down in the snow himself. ¡°Peregrin, I command you to stop throwing snowballs at our friends.¡±

Pippin stuck his tongue out at Gandalf and sat down next to Sam, to whom he whispered, ¡°I wasn¡¯t aiming for his face - he just sat down at the wrong time.¡±

¡°Now,¡± said Aragorn, when everyone had settled, ¡°The first thing we should do is take a head count.¡±

¡°To make sure everyone¡¯s here,¡± added Legolas.

Gandalf frowned as Aragorn walked around the circle counting. Wasn¡¯t HE supposed to be the leader?

¡°There¡¯s one person missing,¡± announced Aragorn, ¡°There are only eight of us here.¡±

¡°There should be nine¡­¡± mused Legolas.

Everyone started whispering to each other. Who could this missing person be?

¡°I know,¡± Boromir stood up and smirked. ¡°It¡¯s the Ringbearer. He was too ashamed to face us so he ran away.¡±

¡°But Mr. Frodo¡¯s sitting right across from you,¡± protested Sam.

Boromir narrowed his eyes at Frodo, who was, indeed, sitting across the circle from his and clutching the collar of his shirt where the Ring would have sat. ¡°Oh.¡± Was all he said and Boromir sat down, eyes still calculating.

There was a long silence.

¡°So, uh, who¡¯s missing?¡± asked Legolas unnecessarily.

More silence. Gimli began to stroke his beard, the harsh raping sound making everyone shudder.

Aragorn opened his mouth to say something but Gandalf beat him to it. ¡°Master Dwarf, would you stop that please.¡±

Gimli glowered. ¡°It¡¯s not like _you¡¯re_ doing anything useful either.¡± But he stopped the stroking.

They sat for a long time, and day was turning into night when Aragorn sat bolt upright and announced, ¡°I have a solution.¡±

He waited for the others¡¯ curious faces and incessant questioning when he realized that they were all asleep - all of them, that is, except for Gandalf.

The wizard was sitting with his legs crossed, his face unreadable in the fading light, but Aragorn thought that he was very loyal to have stayed up just to hear the King talk.

¡°So, _your majesty,_¡± started Gandalf sarcastically, ¡°What is this _brilliant_ plan of yours?¡±

Aragorn frowned. There was something in the old ma¡¯s voice that he sis not quite like. ¡°Well, I thought that we could send someone to find that missing member.¡±

¡°Oh, really?¡±

Aragorn _really_ did not like the tone of his voice by now. ¡°And what might you mean by that?¡±

Gandalf scratched his chin. ¡°Well, I don¡¯t really know¡­¡± he thought for a while. ¡°Maybe I need a holiday. These hobbits are giving me a headache.¡±

Gandalf stood up abruptly and Aragorn was at a loss. ¡°Where are you going?¡± he asked the wizard.

¡°Back to Rivendell!¡± Gandalf replied, brushing snow off himself and turning to leave. ¡°I need break from all these troubles. You seem to like ¡®leading¡¯ people, so I appoint you leader in my steed.¡±

¡°But¡­¡± Aragorn didn¡¯t want Gandalf to go. For one thing, he wasn¡¯t _that_ good at leading yet, and for another, he wanted Gandalf¡¯s pipe weed.

Gandalf smirked at Aragorn, glad to be free of those little people. ¡°I daresay you will be sick of this lot yourself soon. Maybe I¡¯ll see you in Rivendell then.¡± And he strode off into the distance.

Aragorn thought about what Gandalf had said. It occurred to him that the wizard didn¡¯t expect him to be able to complete this mission without him! Well, Aragorn would show him. He would lead the Fellowship to find the Ring, then he¡¯ll take them all to Mordor and destroy it! If there was anything that could convince silly people like Boromir that he was the rightful King, it was this.

_Yes_, thought Aragorn and stroke the stubble on his chin. _It would be all good¡­_

But if he was going to be glorious, it wouldn¡¯t do to have a missing member of the Fellowship, will it! Which brought him back to his first plan - to find the missing person. He began to feel more confident. Yes, it was hard to think he had been unsure a minute ago.

Aragorn went around the circle and arose everyone to tell them about his idea. 

¡°Alright, we need someone to go and find the missing person,¡± Aragorn said.

¡°Well it ain¡¯t Mr. Frodo, he¡¯s in a right state,¡± said Sam, and everyone looked at where Frodo was groping about the snow, as if he had suddenly gone blind.

¡°I would go but I am the leader,¡± said Aragorn and everyone else nodded in agreement.

¡°Gimli can¡¯t go because he can¡¯t run fast enough,¡± commented Pippin.

¡°Can too,¡± muttered Gimli.

Silence.

¡°Well, I think it should be Pippin,¡± said Boromir. He seemed to have a thing against the hobbits too.

¡°What?!¡± cried Pippin, ¡°Why me?¡±

¡°Because you¡¯re small.¡±

¡°Because you¡¯re light.¡±

¡°Because you¡¯re the most useless one out of all of us.¡±

¡°But - but -¡± Pippin protested wildly, ¡°What about Sam? He doesn¡¯t do anything -¡±

¡°Sam makes good vegetable soup,¡± said Legolas, nodding.

¡°- and Frodo, now that the Ring is gone -¡±

Sam growled warningly.

¡°- what about Legolas, all he says is useless stating the obvious stuff, and what about Merry? He¡¯s the most useless out of all of us!¡±

there were murmurs of agreement among them. Finally Aragorn stood up. ¡°Alright, Meriadoc Brandybuck, you shall go and find the missing person.¡±

And of course, there was no reply. Everyone waited for Merry to say something, but there was nothing.

¡°If Merry¡¯s not replying¡­¡± said Legolas slowly, ¡°that must mean he¡¯s the missing person!¡±

Everyone had already figured that out, and Pippin was picking up his things, getting ready to go. After all, Merry _was_ his cousin. And he really did not want to be around Boromir anymore.

And so Peregrin Took set off into the darkness, Legolas sobbing, as if this could bring Pippin or Merry any luck.

***

But Merry had other plan than to be found by anyone. He was very glad of this new-found freedom - he now could eat as he pleased, as if he was still in the Shire. Every while or so he would sit down to another meal, finally being able to satisfy his hunger after all the travel with the Fellowship.

After afternoon tea, he thought that the landscape might be changing soon so he decided to climb up higher and find out where he was. But half an hour later, after many unsuccessful attempts at climbing the mountains he realized that he was still surrounded by snow. This was a good thing and a bad thing at the same time. The good thing was that the Ring had to be in the snow, and he hadn¡¯t wandered out of it, and the bad thing was that it would take him years to cover all the snow.

Merry sighed, and sat down again, his hand absently digging in the snow. There was a good point to traveling with men after all - they could always carry you. He munched on a biscuit as he sat and enjoyed the scenery - not that there was much to enjoy.

Suddenly his hand contacted something hard. 

¡°Ouch,¡± said and looked at what he had uncovered from the snow. He brushed more snow away and lifted his discovery out. It was a small, brown box.

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So what can be in this little brown box? And ideas? Any thoughts on the topic? How will Pippin fare, finding his friend? What will the rest of the Fellowship get up to in the meantime?

The thing with the vegetable soup is from one of the stories by **onegreyelephant**, where Frodo, Sam and a whole bunch of carrots get into mischief - no, that¡¯s not the only thing that happens in the story.

**Happy molecule** aka Nicola my ¡®son¡¯, indicated to me that Merry was very useless indeed¡­


	3. Of doubting the leader, mistaken identit...

*I don't own the characters. I own the depressing story I put them in. and I own Merry's little brown box. My school uniform's brown. There's this shop that has paper bags that say 'brown is beautiful'. That means I'm beautiful!*

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**Chapter three: Of doubting the leader, mistaken identities and lonely hobbitses.******

Merry sat back in the snow and sighed heavily. The box was empty. He had expected that - after all, he _was_ just a useless hobbit. Surely he didn't think that there could be anything in a random little box that he was meant to find!

He put the box down, intending to discard it, but then thought that there might be some further need for the box - say, for example, a place to put the Ring in once he found it. He didn't tell himself that he probably would not be able to find the Ring anyway. He slipped the nondescript brown box into his pack and picked up a little hunk of bread. He began to chew, and lay back, his sack pillowing his head. He closed his eyes and felt the cold and the staleness of his bread, and he sighed, wondering why he had wanted to come on this crazy quest in the first place. 

Soon, he fell asleep.

Gollum had been watching this little hobbit. He reminded him of Baggins, whom he had met in his cave. Was this Baggins? Did he have his precious? And that little box, _very_ suspicious. Just the right size for holding Gollum's precious. Hmm… he would need to follow this little hobbit around…

***

Aragorn realised that he had made a mistake sending only one person to look for er... Merry. Now the rest of the Fellowship were extremely bored, having nothing to do in the past fifteen minutes Pippin had been gone. 

"I'm bored!" cried Legolas, sitting in the snow and pouting like some weird little elfling. There were no orcs to fight, no people to meet, no trees to climb, no horses to ride…

"I wish Gandalf was here and leading us," said Gimli sulkily, "_he'd_ know exactly what to do." Gimli glared at Aragorn and we back to pouting with Legolas.

"Yes," added Boromir, also glaring at Aragorn and sneering at the same time, "Gandalf the White was a _very_ good leader."

Aragorn frowned. What did he do wrong? Wasn't it just a few hours ago when Frodo was telling him that he'd be the best King ever?

"Well, look," Aragorn tried to reason with everyone, "We must be patient. When Pippin returns with the missing person, er… Merry, that's it, when he returns with Merry, we shall be able to continue on our quest as usual."

"Without the Ring?" Boromir questioned.

"Well, we'll be able to go one finding the Ring as usual." Aragorn nodded once. There. That was the closing statement from the leader.

"That Ring is pure evil," said Sam, patting a shaking Frodo on the back, "Look what it's done to Mister Frodo!"

"My preciousssss," whispered Frodo.

Everyone shuddered at the sound of Frodo's voice. If they didn't find the Ring soon, Frodo was likely to turn into another Gollum!

"Alright," Aragorn announced, taking a few deep breaths, "let's try to find the Ring around here, but we will return to this campsite within a short period of time, so that when Pippin comes back with Merry, they would see us here." He stood up and brushed snow of his trousers and picked up his sword, ready to go.

Everyone else started picking up their packs and packing up the campsite.

"Wait a minute," said Aragorn, "We're still coming back you know."

"How would we be able to find our way back, with _you_ leading us?" scoffed Boromir.

Aragorn drew himself up with dignity. "I happen to be a _very_ good Ranger, thank you very much!"

Everyone nodded sarcastically. "_Sure_ you are," added Legolas.

"Well, fine, if you want to take your stuff, go ahead. But I know I'll be able to lead you back here."

Eventually, everyone was ready to go. Poor Sam had to carry two loads as Frodo didn't seem fit enough to carry his own. Boromir was given the job to prevent Frodo from falling over, which he wasn't too happy about.

And so the remaining members of the Fellowship of the Ring set out to actually find the Ring, and if Aragorn had known that they would not be returning to their campsite he would have taken the piece of beef jerky in his pack, because as soon as they left, another one of Saruman's avalanches hit.

***

Pippin heard the avalanche from where he was standing, and he shuddered, wondering why Saruman was still bothering with the avalanches. Maybe this wizard was bored. Pippin would be bored if _he _had to be a wizard.

He hadn't found Merry, but he had a feeling that he was getting close. Pippin was a little angry at Merry, but not too much as he wanted the pipeweed that they usually shared, that Merry had so cleverly taken with him.

Pippin began to hum to himself, even dancing a little as he walked. He was trying to do the Macarena when his legs got tangled up as he tried to jump and he fell forward and landed face-first in the snow.

Pippin spluttered as he lifted his head clear of the snow. It tasted nice, but it wasn't the same catching the occasional snowflake on your tongue and getting the stuff halfway down your throat. He steeled himself to get up when a shadow fell over him.

"Don't worry, young hobbit, Sméagol will take you to your friend."

Pippin pushed himself off the snow and looked up into the face of the ugliest creature he had ever seen. It had big, wide blue eyes, yellowish skin and very little hair. It reminded him of a mushroom he had grown once, one which had gone horribly mutated.

"Who are _you_?" he asked, disgust in his voice.

"I am Sméagol, master hobbit," the creature said. Pippin was surprised to see that it could talk understandably at all.

"And Sméagol knows where master hobbit might find his friend."

"Friend?" Pippin asked, suddenly excited, "You mean Merry?"

But Sméagol was already prancing off, and Pippin had no choice other than to follow him.

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So what did you think of that, eh? I know there was a little long wait in between the last chapter and this one, but this is a really fun story to write and I like to do so very much. So far, so good. No flames as of yet! I think that's almost a record for me!

**Next chapter will involve more of Gandalf and our other friends.******


	4. Of beef jerky, bread nand lots of eating

Into the West is the best… song ever!  
  
*I don't own the characters. I own the depressing story I put them in. I also stole a scene from The Importance of Being Earnest, because I thought Merry and Pippin were exactly like Jack and Algernon.*  
  
IT IS MY BIRTHDAY TODAY AND I AM FIFTEEN!!!!!!!!  
  
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Chapter four: Of jerky, bread and lots of eating  
  
"Hmm… is it just me, Lord Aragorn, or was there something seriously wrong about your decision to leave your things behind?" Boromir asked sarcastically.  
  
Aragorn stared with disbelief at the mountain of snow that now covered their campsite, his weapons and his beef jerky.  
  
"You can't leave your sword back there," said Legolas in a somewhat astonished tone, "you would not be able to fight without it!"  
  
Everyone except for Aragorn sat down and started chewing on slices of their own beef jerky. Aragorn was jealous. How could they just sit around while he was in distress?  
  
"Aren't you going to help me find my things?" asked Aragorn.  
  
"I think it's a good time for a rest," said Boromir, "Don't you, Gimli?"  
  
But even though Gimli had his mouth full of jerky and was unable to speak, Aragorn realized that he could no more get the company to help him than he could get Arwen to cut her hair.  
  
After ten minutes of digging through the snow, Aragorn emerged, somewhat more tousled than before.  
  
"I have found it!" he cried, and everyone turned to see him holding a long strip of beef jerky out in front of him, brandishing it like a sword.  
  
"Er… you do know that's jerky…" said Legolas.  
  
"I know," said Aragorn, taking a bite, "But I need a new sword too. Change of plans. Now we're going to go to Gondor, to get me properly armed again."  
  
Legolas nodded slowly and Gimli scowled. "Why do we have to do what he said?" he pointed at Boromir.  
  
Boromir, smug, replied, "Because I have better ideas than you, Master Dwarf."  
  
"In any case," said Aragorn, raising his voice, "it is time to go. Gimli, write a note for the halflings. Legolas, lend me your long knife, you never use it anyway. Boromir, er… you can lead the way."  
  
Boromir smirked to himself. He doesn't know the way, but I do, he thought.  
  
***  
  
"Merry?"  
  
Merry's eyes popped open and he saw his dear cousin running towards him. "Pippin?" So gald was he to see a friend at last that he got up and started towards Pippin to give him a very warm reception. Then he stopped, and remembered why he had gone away in the first place.  
  
"Go away," Merry ordered, sticking his nose in the air.  
  
"What do you mean, Merry? I just came. Aren't you glad to see me?"  
  
"Ye - I mean, no."  
  
"But Merry, I was worried about you! I came looking for you!"  
  
Merry had reached the frustration he had felt when he ran away. "You forgot about me! You all did! You all think I'm useless, that I'm stupid…" Merry began to sob.  
  
Pippin frowned at him. "See, I don't know why they chose you for this expedition. It certainly wasn't for your baffling emotions."  
  
Pippin sat down on the snow and took out some bread. He began to chew, slowly, until Merry had stopped crying.   
  
"How can you just be calmly eating bread under these circumstances? It's perfectly heartless of you!" Merry cried.  
  
"Oh? You're still here Merry?" Pippin looked surprised. "I forgot about you! Anyway, eating is the only thing that consoles me."  
  
"Yes, but that is no reason for you to be eating all of it in that greedy way, give me some!" Merry wrestled the bread from Pippin's hands and took a bite.  
  
Pippin picked up a slice of beef jerky. "Would you have beef jerky instead? I don't like beef jerky."  
  
Merry wrinkled his nose. "No thanks. I am quite content with the bread. I'm not really fond of beef jerky."  
  
"But you just said it was perfectly heartless to be eating bread!" Pippin protested.  
  
"No, I said, it is perfectly heartless for you, under these circumstances, to be eating bread. It's an entirely different thing." Merry felt quite content. He missed having these pointless arguments with Pippin.  
  
"Yes, but the bread is the same!" Pippin pulled his bread back, and munched happily.   
  
"But you can't eat all the bread!"  
  
"Well, I don't like beef jerky!"  
  
"Neither do I!"  
  
"Well what are you going to do about it?"  
  
Merry sighed resignedly. "Whatever. But we can't sit here all day watching you eat bread. We have to move along."  
  
Pippin looked up, scandalised. "But I haven't finished eating my bread yet!"  
  
Merry scowled. "Pippin, you are the most -"  
  
"Now, now, little hobbitses, no fighting is necessary!"  
  
The figure of Sméagol approached them and stood in front of the two hobbits, 'grinning'.   
  
"Er, hello Sméagol," said Pippin hesitantly. He rather thought that the creature would leave him alone after leading him to Merry. Clearly, though, this was not the case. Perhaps he wanted some payment.   
  
"Would you like some beef jerky?" Pippin asked, grabbing the slice from Merry's hand. Then will you go away? He thought.  
  
"Oh, no," Sméagol replied, shuddering, "but Sméagol can help you again, nice hobbitses. Sméagol knows what hobbitses are trying to do. Sméagol knows what it is you're looking for - and where you can find it."  
  
"You do?" Merry's eyes widened. This ugly thing knew where the Ring lay? "Why didn't you say so earlier? Where is it? Which way do we go?"  
  
Sméagol grinned, and made a noise of gollum, gollum in the back of his throat. "Sméagol will lead you to it himself.  
  
***  
  
And Gandalf, in ways unknown to the rest of us, had already arrived in Rivendell. He whistled, ad casually strode across the bridge, admiring the trees on either side of him, and crashed straight into someone who just came up to his waist.  
  
"Gandalf?" asked Bilbo Baggins incredulously, "What are you doing here?"  
  
"Nice to see you too, Bilbo!" he replied cheerfully, giving Bilbo a somehow awkward hug.  
  
"You smell terrible," said Bilbo when Gandalf released him. "Like… beef jerky."  
  
"Oh, that," remembered Gandalf, taking quite a few strips of jerky from his pocket, "Aragorn's favourite beef jerky. Let's go inside, my friend, and we shall talk and enjoy what our poor Ranger and his friends cannot at the moment."  
  
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Fanfiction cannot be copyrighted, so copy, copy all you like! The bit where Merry and Pippin are fighting over the bread is from Oscar Wilde's play The Importance of Being Earnest, except in that it was muffins and tea cake instead. It's a really great play and the dialogue is hilarious, but if you don't want to read it you could always watch the new-ish movie on it, with Reese Witherspoon playing the airhead.  
  
Cryptic crossword clue (it's LotR related of course): "Girl after children's building blocks." (7 letters) Can you figure it out? Do you know the answer? It will be released in the next chapter, and if you think you know it drop me a line or review. This question belongs to some fellow LotR fans who go to my school. 


	5. Of the silent treatment, the hair factor...

Sorry for the long wait everyone! I had to deal with depression, sickness, exams, more depression, more sickness… I'm really mean to Aragorn in this aren't I?

Anyhoo… chapter five, coming right up!

I don't own the characters. I won the depressing story I put them in.

**Chapter Five: Of the silent treatment, the hair factor and orcs **

"Merry," Pippin said calmly and kindly, when they had been following Sméagol for about half an hour, "Can I have some pipeweed?"

Merry ignored Pippin, and thrusting his nose high into the air, he walked ahead so that he was level with Sméagol. Pippin sighed. Merry was still giving him the silent treatment.

"So, how far to where we're going?" Merry asked Sméagol.

"You'll sssee…" was the ambiguous answer.

Pippin shivered. This Sméagol creature was making him feel cold and very, very insecure. Sméagol had this grey coloured skin and strangely shaped hands and hardly any hair. Legolas had told him once never to trust anyone with dodgy hair, i.e. trolls, orcs and dwarves, among others. He never mentioned a type of creature that was like Sméagol. Pippin wondered what type of creature Sméagol was. He didn't want to ask - one, that would give away the fact that he was totally ignorant, and two, he thought it would sound rude.

Another that was strange about Sméagol was that he kept murmuring to himself (if Sméagol _was_ in fact a he, a fact that Pippin was sort of doubtful about) and making noises in the back of his throat that sounded like _gollum, gollum_. The word 'gollum' sounded somehow familiar, but Pippin couldn't remember where it came from. Probably the name of one of Farmer Maggot's dogs.

Pippin noticed that they were walking mostly downhill, which could only be a good thing, as it meant they were coming down from the mountains and getting out of the snow. But then he frowned. If the Ring was lost in the snow, and the were going out of the snow, then…

"Merry," Pippin whispered urgently, "Merry, I think there's something wrong with this."

Merry still ignored him. But Pippin persisted.

"Merry," Pippin started again, "I don't even know why we're following this creature. I'm supposed to bring you back to the others and that's that."

Merry did not answer, nor did he acknowledge that Pippin was talking at all.

"Look at his hair!" Pippin tried again, taking a different approach, "Remember what Legolas said about people no having nice hair? Remember how he said never trust -"

"You're listening to _Legolas_?" Merry yelled, "You'd listen to that boring, predictable, good-for-nothing-but-shooting-arrows pretty boy rather than me, your own cousin?"

Pippin looked at Merry for a second. "He talks!" he suddenly yelled, delighted. "He talks, he talks, he talks!" he chanted, grabbing Merry's hands and spinning him round and round.

Merry found himself spinning with Pippin, an activity he had enjoyed when they were both younger. Unable to control his happiness, Merry laughed and laughed, finally collapsing in a giggling heap on top of Pippin, whose sides were also hurting.

"I missed you, Pip," Merry whispered when he had stopped laughing, his eyes suddenly teary.

Pippin beamed at the cousin he adored, his face covered in snow.

"I missed you too Merry."

Boromir led the way through the snow, glancing back every now and then to check that everyone was still following him. He had to make a good leader, and he would not let _anyone_ run off, like Aragorn had done.

"Is everyone doing alright?" Aragorn, walking just a few paces behind Boromir, called back along the column, as he had been doing every five minutes for the past half an hour. Aragorn had much the same idea as Boromir, to make an exceptional leader. In order to do this, he felt maximum communication with the group was necessary.

A chorus of ragged "Yes," met his question, and it was clear that everyone was indeed alright but Aragorn was not satisfied with the response.

"No! I'm supposed to say, "is everyone doing alright', then the person after me -" he turned and glared at Legolas - "is supposed to say 'Charlie', then he person after him, and so on, until the last person, who says 'Goose'. Understand? Now let's do it again. Is everyone doing alright?"

"Charlie," said Legolas.

"Charlie," said Sam.

"Charlie," Frodo managed to croak out.

"Moose," called Gimli from the back.

"No! Not 'moose', it's '_goose_'!" Aragorn shook his head. "Let's try that again. Is everyone - Ouch! What are you doing?"

Boromir had just stopped dead in his tracks. Aragorn, too busy with his lectures about Moose and Goose, had walked right into him. Aragorn peered around his shoulder to see what had caused the abrupt stop.

Down on the more level snowfields beneath them, standing in the endless snow, was an army of orcs, armed to the teeth, sitting around an enormous campfire and laughing at something one of them had said. They had not noticed the Fellowship yet.

"Don't trust them," whispered Legolas, "you can always judge by their hair."

"We need to find cover," said Boromir, "We'll never be able to take all of them on."

Quietly they inched back along the path.

"In here!" Gimli called softly and indicated a cave cut into the mountain they were up against. As silently as possible, the six of them filed into the cave, settling themselves down around the walls. The cave was dark and damp, from the snow that had drifted inside and melted because the cave's temperature was somewhat warmer than outside. It was very dark inside, so that none of the could see anyone else.

"So," Aragorn said pompously, "Are we all here? Let's do a check. Charlie!"

"Oh, shut up!" Boromir snapped, "Can't you see that we're in mortal peril?"

"Well, really Boromir," said Legolas thoughtfully, "None of us can really see anything. It's much too dark!"

Boromir rolled his eyes. "Well since we're not going to be doing anything for a while, I'm going to take a nap. Someone should keep a lookout."

"Yes," chimed in Aragorn, "exactly what I was just going to suggest. Er… who wants to be the lookout?"

No one replied. The sound of Boromir's snores filled the cave.

"Alright…" said Aragorn, "I guess I will do it…" and he moved himself to the mouth of he cave and sat, staring into the snow that was outside.

Yay! Another chapter! Wow… our friends seem to be in a lot of trouble. I wonder what Merry and Pippin are going to do about Sméagol? Hmm…

Does anyone have any suggestions about how I could end this? I have a vague idea, but I want other opinions too. You readers rock!


	6. Of more hair, Elves and sleeptalking

Hello everyone! A much quicker update than last one. I came 17th in my grade for maths and there are 150 people in my grade. Yippee! We've just started school again… and in the holidays we went to the Australian desert and the big rock (Uluru/Ayers Rock) and I ate kangaroo meat and a witchetty grub (that's like a caterpillar). It tasted like scrambled eggs! The biggest opal mine in the world, Coober Pedy, which produces 80% of the world's opals, is really cool as everyone lives underground, where it is 24 degrees Celcius all year round.

I don't own the characters. I own the depressing story I put them in.

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**Chapter 6: Of more hair, Elves and sleep-talking**

"Look at him," said Pippin, huddled close to Merry and looking over at Sméagol, who slept, occasionally drooling or muttering incoherent phrases.

"I am," replied Merry, "and you're right. I think we should do something about him."

The two hobbits watched the sleeping figure, wondering whom he was and what he was trying to do. He obviously wasn't leading them to the Ring, as he was leading them in a south-westerly direction _out_ of the snow. He wasn't helping them, and most likely had mistaken them for someone else, or was merely doing this for his won enjoyment.

What the hobbits needed was to get rid of him and continue on their way again - alone. But getting rid of Sméagol was proving to be a more difficult task than they first had thought.

Sméagol seemed impossible to get rid of. Once Merry and Pippin walked so slowly behind him that he was out of sight. They then ducked behind a snow dune and waited. Two smoked pipes and twenty minutes later, they decided the coast was clear and came out, congratulating each other with pats on the back when they saw Sméagol, standing in front of them, grinning hideously (as his teeth was totally disgusting).

"Funny hobbitses aren't you?" he had said, "Come on then, we must continue."

And Merry and Pippin had no choice but to follow him. Over the past few days they had tried again and again to get rid of Sméagol, even going as far as to fake their own deaths (Sméagol had tickled Pippin under the chin, forcing him to giggle), but none of these attempts were successful. They were almost out of the now by now as there were the occasional grass roots and the cousins were terribly worried.

"He sounds evil," said Pippin, "maybe he wants to eat us."

Right on cue, they heard Sméagol's sleep-talk. "Sssshe's alwayssss hungry…"

Merry and Pippin clung to each other, utterly terrified.

"Alright," Merry said, calming down a little, "We need a plan."

"We bury him in the snow," said Pippin immediately.

"Pippin," Merry sighed exasperatedly, "no."

Pippin pouted. "But it will be really, really funny! Like that time we buried Legolas in the snow, and then he got up and found that his hair was mussed and then he did what any Elf would do. He -"

"That's it! Elves!" Merry suddenly exclaimed.

Pippin blinked. "What about Elves?"

"Sméagol hates Elves!"

"I wouldn't be surprised it he did, " Pippin replied, "Elves would certainly loathe him! Look at his hair!"

"Will you stop talking about the hair already?" Merry asked impatiently.

Pippin rolled his eyes. "So what's your plan?"

Merry lowered his voice a few notches when he saw that Sméagol had started to stir. "There's a place north-east of here, a forest," said Merry, "that is inhabited by Elves. It's called Mirkwood."

Pippin frowned. "That's where Legolas came from right?"

"Yeah. "Merry nodded. "And if we take Sméagol there, then we can let the Elves take care of him instead. Right now, by ourselves, we have no chance against a monster like him. But if we enlist the help of the Elves…"

"Gee, I don't know, Merry," Pippin scratched his head, "if those Elves are all like Legolas, I doubt we'll have a chance even then."

"It's our only hope, Pippin."

"I know."

There was a long silence when the two young hobbits contemplated what might happen if they did not follow this only hope. Sméagol might eat them, get someone else to eat them, or sores yet, never leave them alone…

Both Merry and Pippin shuddered at this last thought. They looked at each other and each found in the other's eyes the willingness to go through with the plan. They nodded once, in unison.

"Hobbitses!"

Merry and Pippin started. In their deep though, they had not notices that Sméagol was awake.

"Um… hi Sméagol," Pippin said hesitantly.

Sméagol yawned and stretched his long, webbed hands. His teeth, in various states of decay, bared and the cousins exchanged a look of disgust.

"So Sméagol…" Merry said, trying to make 'light' conversation, "How was your sleep?"

"Never been better," replied Sméagol and grinned.

"Oh, how, er, nice…" Merry tried to grin as well, but it turned out more like a grimace. "So, where are we headed today?"

"Out of this whiteness. Tonight, Sméagol shall be able to have fresssh fissssh!" Sméagol laughed manically.

Merry and Pippin looked at each other again. 'Crazy' Pippin mouthed, and Merry agreed.

"Well come on, hobbitses," Sméagol turned to leave, "We must be on our way!"

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Any requests for future events? Anything you don't like so far? I know I'm pretty mean to Legolas, but I think I'm pretty mean to everyone in this fic… especially Legolas and Aragorn. ANYWAY that's not the point. I just wanted to know if you liked it or not, and why or why not. Some constructive criticism could be nice, I haven't had any of that in a while.

**Next chapter: Aragorn, Legolas, Frodo, Boromir and Sam are still stuck in their cave…**


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